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00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
2
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♪
3
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‐ Hey. Do you have anything that screams
"This guy watches golf"?
4
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‐ Oh yeah.
5
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This is from Samuel
by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
6
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It's the exact model he wore
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to the premiere
of his Capital One commercial.
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‐ Mmm. I love it
how you can wear it one way
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and look like a newsboy
and another way and look like a bad boy.
10
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‐ We patented that.
‐ Could we hurry this up?
11
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Apparently this mall has some sort
of gap full of babies
12
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and a locker full of lady's feet.
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I wanna see that stuff.
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‐ Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.
15
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‐ Oh!
16
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Red Goobler got a gun!
17
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‐ What the hell, Korvo?
You mangled my Kangol!
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‐ Red Goobler?
19
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Wait a hot fuckin' second,
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I thought you killed
the Red Goobler last year?
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After he hunted us
in the Halloween store?
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R‐remember that whole thing?
‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.
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He got away,
and I kinda just thought
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maybe he'd disappear like that eye
that used to be on my back.
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‐ Damn it, Terry!
That eye is still there!
26
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And so is the Red Goobler!
27
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‐ Wait, what the fuck,
why is he so big?
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Last time we saw him, he was
about the size of a softball.
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Or like a fat baseball.
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‐ I don't know, Terry,
he probably grows when I'm stressed out.
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Or maybe he eats a lot.
Stop trying to poke holes.
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‐ Well, sorry for trying
to be consistent.
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‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying
to kill you anymore, I swear!
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‐ Oh please, then what's with that
sweet‐ass laser gun?
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‐ It's just a barcode scanner.
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I'm registering for my wedding.
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‐ This trash isn't getting married.
Quick, Korvo, murder him!
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Shoot him, shoot him,
shoot him, shoot him‐‐
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‐ Gooby, what's going on?
‐ [sighs] This is my nightmare.
40
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Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
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So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me
from his stress,
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and I used to yell "get fucked"
and try to kill him.
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I was a terrible, unhappy person
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and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
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‐ You can shoot your apology
in the butt and bury it at sea.
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‐ You're right,
I don't deserve forgiveness.
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I live with the guilt
of how I treated you every day.
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‐ You aren't
that guy anymore, Red.
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‐ If I'm not,
it's because of you, Jen.
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Jen pulled me
out of a dark place.
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Now all I want to do is marry
this perfect woman,
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wake up every day
and make her bread
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with this Breville
Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
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[both moan]
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‐ Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim
at me with a laser gun.
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‐ Totally my fault.
Thanks for understanding.
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Hey, I've been dreading this
for a while,
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but it was honestly nice
running into you.
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‐ You too.
‐ Stay cool, brother.
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‐ I didn't buy any of that
for a second. Did you?
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‐ Oh, I totally bought it,
but my self‐esteem is so low
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that I'll go along
with whatever you feel.
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‐ He's a liar and he sucks.
‐ I know, right?
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Fuck that little asshole!
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‐ I love when you don't have
any conviction.
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‐ Then I do too.
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
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Until the asteroid hit.
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
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and escaped into, uh, the space,
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
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We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
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That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
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This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
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[stammers]
This is ridiculous.
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I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
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People are stupid.
They're always arguing about politics.
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Everyone is so busy arguing
about politics,
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but no one is talking about
how the Earth is an egg.
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Why aren't they talking
about that?
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♪
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[whistle blows]
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YUMYULACK: What is with
humans' obsession with fitness?
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Haven't they figured out
that cardio causes cancer?
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‐ Oh geez, we're running
the mile today?
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I wore my fuck‐me pumps.
I can't run in them, they're rentals!
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‐ I suck at it too.
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My legs were made for operating
the left‐right orientation pedals
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in a hunter kill star tripper,
not running in a circle.
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‐ Eh, let's just walk it.
Nobody's gonna notice.
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‐ Don't you remember
what happened last year?
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[both panting]
‐ I'm gonna puke.
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‐ A 15‐minute mile?
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I am not letting you freaks
bring down the school average.
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Our math and science budget is based
on how fast you little shits can move.
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[blows whistle]
Everybody's running again!
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And if you don't like doing it,
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you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom
of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.
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[both grunting]
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‐ My noogie rash just cleared up.
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‐ That's it.
We are not doing this again.
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Access cheating devices.
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‐ Ooh, I didn't know you had
a pocket dimension.
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‐ Pretty sweet, right?
‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
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‐ You don't get
to choose the color!
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‐ Wait, you're going to use
The Time Cheater helmet?
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Isn't that cheating?
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‐ Oh yeah, it's as cheating
as you can get.
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‐ But, but all the after‐school programs
I watch say cheating never works!
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‐ Look, you want people
to be mean to us all year? Hm?
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Or do you wanna be cheaters
for one quick second?
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‐ Well, alright,
but just this once.
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We gotta be careful, too.
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'Cause according to VeggieTales,
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cheating will make you
a gay potato.
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‐ That's a chance
I'm willing to take.
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[sighs]
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‐ What's with the helmets
and backpacks?
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‐ Um, you're actually not allowed
to ask us about it
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because they power
our gender identity or whatever.
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‐ Fine. You two better blow me away
with your mile time this year,
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or I will fucking kill you.
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[gunshot]
[both panting]
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪
126
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♪
127
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[both panting]
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‐ You did the entire mile
in exactly one minute?
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‐ That was fast, right?
So we can stop doing this stupid test?
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‐ No! Of course you can't.
Because you two are obviously chee...
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‐ Aw no, here it comes.
I knew it.
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‐ The best runners we've ever had.
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These beautiful aliens
are going to regionals!
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‐ Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure
we aren't getting in over our head?
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‐ Oh yeah. We definitely are.
136
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‐ American Airlines? One ticket
to Regionals in Hawaii please.
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WOMAN: [on phone]
Are you okay with coach?
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‐ Am I okay with what?
WOMAN: Coach?
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‐ Yes, I am the coach
and the principal.
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‐ Uh, no, I mean economy.
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‐ We all know the economy's great,
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but you're not talking me
into an expensive ticket.
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WOMAN:
Let's start over: Nonstop?
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‐ Wow, okay.
[deep breath]
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[speaking rapidly] One ticket to regionals
in your finest seat please.
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I'd like to pay with a credit card
ending in 7624.
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WOMAN: I'm just going to put you
in first class to end this conversation.
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‐ Works every time.
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‐ That swole tomato's up to something,
I can feel it in my mound.
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We need to be ready
for an attack.
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‐ I'm going to take
half my suicide pills now
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and save the other half
for when he tortures us.
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[gulps]
[doorbell rings]
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[gasps]
‐ If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,
155
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and I will still shoot you.
156
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‐ It's Jen!
‐ Please don't kill us!
157
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‐ Not even!
Sorry for dropping by unannounced,
158
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I just really need
to ask you guys for a favor.
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‐ Let me guess, you want us
to shoot ourselves through our throats?
160
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Well, fat chance!
161
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‐ Uh, no. I‐I was wondering if you two
would come to our wedding?
162
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‐ It's a trap, Terry, run!
163
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‐ No, stop.
Gooby doesn't know I'm here.
164
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You guys are the closest thing
he has to family.
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If you came to our wedding,
it might let him
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finally make peace with his past.
167
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‐ Attend a Red Goobler wedding?
168
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Ha. No fucking way.
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‐ Listen, as long as that goobler's
got something else in his life,
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he won't be trying to cut out your eyes
and shit in your mouth.
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‐ You might have a point.
Your annual one good idea.
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‐ Nuh‐uh, I had a good idea
last week! Remember?
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I raised money for our frat
by selling pies,
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but the bottom of the pie tin
had a naked picture
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of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?
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That's why we sold so many pies?
The whole pie thing? Remember?
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‐ I will attend your ceremony,
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to trick the Red Goobler into being happy
so he won't hurt me anymore.
179
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‐ Fine, but can you also not be
this weird at the wedding?
180
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My mom's gonna there and‐‐
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‐ Shut up.
There's only one problem:
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you're far too basic
to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
183
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,116
And if you break up, he'll become
more dangerous than ever before.
184
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:51,119
‐ I'm engaged to a goobler.
I'm as not basic as they come.
185
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‐ Your name is Jen,
you're very forgettable.
186
00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,998
Where do you shop,
T. J. Minimum?
187
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‐ Sure he loves you now,
but once he's sick of you
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00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,961
like we already are,
it's back to hunting me!
189
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,213
‐ I'm starting to understand
why Red hates you.
190
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:02,464
Ah! What the hell?
‐ Quick, Terry,
191
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,049
go grab
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
192
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,300
‐ On it! Ah!
193
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,471
‐ Terry, help!
194
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,808
This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass
in the most boring way possible!
195
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,393
Shoot her with
the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
196
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,269
‐ What the hell is that!
197
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,646
‐ Hold still, this ray's gonna
make you terrific and some other stuff.
198
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,232
‐ Don't you dare shoot me with that!
I'll sue you!
199
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:21,733
‐ She's getting basic‐er
by the second!
200
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,365
[squeaks]
201
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783
‐ Give me that.
202
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,743
You used the wrong ray!
This is the Rat Ray!
203
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,662
We needed the R‐A‐T Ray.
204
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,664
It's right there, you idiot.
205
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,416
Can't you read?
‐ Of course I can.
206
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,501
RON HOWARD: He can't.
[Arrested Development sting]
207
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,253
‐ Why would you put them
in order of first letter?
208
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,797
‐ It's alphabetical, Terry!
‐ Oh my god. What does that mean?
209
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,465
Ahh!
‐ Shit! Grab her, grab her!
210
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,135
Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back
in time for the wedding,
211
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,469
the Red Goobler
will hunt us for sure!
212
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,181
‐ Fuck! Okay, okay, okay,
I'll find her and de‐rat her
213
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,765
while you keep
the Red Goobler distracted.
214
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:54,933
Come out, Jen.
215
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:58,228
We can go to a coffee shop
that has a painting of wings on a wall,
216
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,689
you can pose
in front of it, so fun.
217
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,066
Get the fuck out here!
♪ ice cream truck music playing ♪
218
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,610
Ice cream break.
219
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,528
[squeaking]
220
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:07,613
I want a Sonic pop.
221
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,157
Not the new design
Twitter bullied them into. The original!
222
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,241
Oh no,
that's too complicated.
223
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,285
Give me a Ninja Turtle pop
from the second of the first movies
224
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,369
but not from the cartoons!
225
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,371
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Rat Jen, no!
226
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:17,623
Ring me up!
Come on, let's go.
227
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,999
Go, ninja!
Go, ninja, go!
228
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,544
♪ jazz music playing ♪
229
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,047
♪
230
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,425
♪
231
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,719
[slot machines beeping]
[coins clattering]
232
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,222
‐ Welcome to your bachelor party!
233
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,598
‐ Red already had one of these
a month ago.
234
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:36,266
We built an orphanage
in Nicaragua.
235
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,185
‐ Goddammit, Tanner!
You're always undercutting me.
236
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:38,936
‐ Who are you?
237
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:41,605
‐ I'm the guy who dropped
mucho shekels on a penthouse suite.
238
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,190
And not to distract you
from anything,
239
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,691
only because
I love hospitality.
240
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,860
‐ Oh, that's amazing, Korvo!
Thank you!
241
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,403
This is a dream come true.
242
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,322
Ever since I saw
Wedding Crashers,
243
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,908
I've wanted to have
a Hangover‐themed bachelor party.
244
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,952
‐ It's your big night, baby.
[clattering]
245
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,287
[baby wailing, tiger growling]
‐ Hangover stuff!
246
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,580
[growls]
‐ Whoa!
247
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,791
‐ This is the last night
before Red Goobler sells his land
248
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,001
to Jen's family
in exchange for her dusty womb.
249
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,169
Let's make it one
to remember!
250
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,213
‐ Hell yeah! Let me just
check in with Jen,
251
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,130
and then we can hit the fl‐‐
252
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,968
‐ No phones, bro!
Bachelor party rules!
253
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,721
Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones
passage of time style!
254
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,056
Cocaine for everyone!
255
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,683
Brrrr!
[sniffing]
256
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,643
‐ Oh!
‐ Oh yeah.
257
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:23,021
♪
258
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,615
‐ Wow. Regionals is everything
I thought it would be.
259
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,576
Alright, you filthy fucking aliens,
if you guys win,
260
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,161
we're gonna be drowning
in Hawaiian pussy.
261
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,830
Do this for me.
262
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,666
‐ Oh no, oh man.
There are so many people here.
263
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:43,959
We're gonna get caught
for sure.
264
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,878
‐ Okay, look, I'll dial back
the Cheater device.
265
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:47,796
That way, we can compete
but still lose.
266
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,631
Then we'll just sip Mai Tais
on the beach
267
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,799
while Cooke gets
his rocks off.
268
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,050
‐ Okay.
269
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,678
ANNOUNCER: [on speakers]
On your marks. Get set.
270
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:55,929
[gunshot]
271
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,934
[panting]
272
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,519
‐ Holy fuck! Yes!
273
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,145
[crowd cheering]
274
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,314
‐ Thirty seconds?
You son of a bitch!
275
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,857
We went even faster that time!
276
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,358
‐ Shit! I must've adjusted it
the wrong way!
277
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,444
‐ Maybe nobody noticed!
[clears throat]
278
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,696
‐ Excuse me, I couldn't help
but notice you two‐‐
279
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,948
‐ Oh god, we're so sorry.
280
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,660
A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt
made us do it!
281
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,205
We don't even like going fast.
282
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,540
‐ Stacy Grabowski,
this is my partner Flart.
283
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,001
We're with
the Federal Student Athlete Police.
284
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,212
There's something suspicious
going on here.
285
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,379
‐ D‐uh. What do you mean?
286
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,964
‐ It's suspicious that
287
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633
you two aren't running
in the Olympics!
288
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:33,967
You're so fast!
289
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,803
‐ Holy shit. I saw that coming
a mile away. Get it?
290
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,556
‐ We're here scouting
for the US Teen Olympic track team,
291
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,266
and we just need you
on our roster.
292
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,101
The race is this Sunday
in Moscow.
293
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:46,188
‐ Now we'll finally be able to beat
those no‐good cheatin' Russians
294
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:50,025
with the most morally sound pair
of supersonic American children!
295
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,653
‐ Ruskie Pusskie,
here we comski!
296
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:53,695
‐ Mm, yeah.
297
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,658
‐ [slurring] We're doing a blood pact.
298
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,326
Hurry before I get dizzy.
299
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,453
[all gasp]
Shit, sorry,
300
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,789
I forgot how much my blood
loves the taste of human blood.
301
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:06,333
Classic Vegas moment.
302
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,167
[squeaking]
303
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,670
‐ Jen, get that tight rat ass
back here, girl!
304
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,129
Ooh, that's right,
305
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:14,049
it's the entire series
of Terriers on Blu‐Ray.
306
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,260
Rats love Terriers, don't you?
307
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,970
There you go. Good girl.
308
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:19,680
They should have
never canceled it.
309
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,098
What the fuck
were they thinking?
310
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:23,100
Nah. Ah, damn it!
Which one is Jen?
311
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,601
Ah, they all have great asses!
312
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,311
Goddammit.
Okay, Terry, buckle down.
313
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,438
This is your moment to shine.
I will not rest until‐‐
314
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,898
Ooh, ice cream!
315
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,693
‐ Weird how he yelled,
"I'm invincible!"
316
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,152
before proving
the exact opposite.
317
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,487
‐ You put in six bullets!
318
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,989
Don't you know
how to play Russian Roulette?
319
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,575
‐ No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out
as we went along.
320
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,493
And now I know.
Less bullets, got it.
321
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:42,786
Don't worry,
I can fix this.
322
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,204
‐ [gasps] Whoa!
323
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,290
‐ I don't want to go
into too much detail here,
324
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,792
but, uh, it turns out
only some dogs go to Heaven.
325
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:51,253
The other dogs are racist.
[whispers] White dogs.
326
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:54,173
♪
327
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:55,924
‐ Come on, come on.
[grunting]
328
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,509
[rats squeaking]
329
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,720
Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?
330
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,472
Hopefully, none
of those were Jen.
331
00:12:03,265 --> 00:12:05,601
AISHA, I need a machine
that puts wedding dresses on rats.
332
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,686
AISHA:
Oooh! That's machine 25.
333
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,484
‐ Come on, where are you,
you basic bride.
334
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,112
Probably buying a rug
at Cost Plus World Market.
335
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,407
[laughter]
336
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,117
‐ What a night
of distracting activities!
337
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:25,913
‐ I haven't had to bury a body
in the desert in quite some time.
338
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,790
Thank you for tonight.
I know you put a lot of thought into it.
339
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,459
‐ Anything for you, Red Goobler.
340
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:33,295
‐ Hey, would it be crazy
if I changed my name to Chris?
341
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,632
‐ It's a strong, beautiful name.
It suits you... Chris.
342
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,383
‐ Here. Let me see your hand.
343
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,427
‐ Ooh, your hands are so warm.
344
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,762
‐ Look at your stress line.
345
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,556
It begins at your palm
and travels all the way to your heart.
346
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,059
‐ Mm. That feels good.
347
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,397
Are we doing this?
348
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,776
[rhythmic wailing]
‐ Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.
349
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,361
Come on, wake up.
I need my stuff!
350
00:12:57,361 --> 00:13:00,155
Ugh. How is he sleeping
through that alarm, it's like blaring.
351
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:02,533
[wailing gets louder]
352
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,871
‐ I told you you'd get fucked.
353
00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,998
‐ Uhh, I didn't know
it was foreshadowing.
354
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,334
[both laugh]
355
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
‐ Oh God,
I just cheated on Jen,
356
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,754
and I don't regret it!
357
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,297
Does that mean
we shouldn't get married?
358
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,007
‐ No. You still need to get married.
359
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:21,093
To me! We're Runaway Bride‐ing this shit!
360
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,637
[glass shatters]
[both laughing]
361
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,434
‐ Ugh. This is it. We're done.
362
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,353
Someone's gonna find out
we're big cheaters
363
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:34,022
and then they're gonna kill us
just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
364
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,607
‐ He wasn't killed,
they just took one nut.
365
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,235
‐ But we don't have any nuts!
What are they gonna take?
366
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,737
‐ Maybe this isn't as big
of a deal as it feels.
367
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,698
Nobody pays attention
to the Teen Olympics.
368
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,074
I haven't even heard of it before.
369
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,994
‐ Michelle Obama?
370
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,370
‐ Jesse, Yummy!
371
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,998
My two American superstars.
372
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,833
‐ Um, hi. What's up, MO?
373
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,252
‐ Ever since I became President
in this timeline,
374
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,337
I've been looking for heroes.
375
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:00,299
You two are the image
of honesty and integrity,
376
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:03,552
which is why I bet
the entire US treasury
377
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,095
on you to win today.
378
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:06,638
‐ Aw, man, that's legal?
‐ Hell yeah.
379
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:09,975
Bush was riding high after 9/11,
and he lost it all on WrestleMania.
380
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:14,104
‐ So the entire fate of the country
relies on us winning honestly?
381
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,773
‐ Yes. And if you lose,
we'll have to close America,
382
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,526
and everyone in the world
will know it's your fault.
383
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,198
‐ I'll admit this has gone way too far.
‐ You think?
384
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:25,949
‐ Let's just say we didn't eat
enough McDonald's
385
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,160
so now we have explosive diarrhea
and can't run.
386
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,078
‐ No. Enough is enough.
387
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,623
We can't just keep cheating
and hoping nobody kills us.
388
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:34,666
This is done.
‐ You're so right.
389
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:36,710
It's time for us
to stand up and come clean.
390
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,337
This charade ends now.
391
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:41,798
Because what good is the fame,
the money, the sex,
392
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,593
the American Express commercials
with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
393
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,136
♪ patriotic music playing ♪
394
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:49,932
‐ You've won the hearts
of millions with your speed
395
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,184
but mostly with your integrity.
396
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:53,268
‐ Thank you.
‐ You betcha.
397
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,604
‐ All of us in the country
have chipped in
398
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,940
to get you a little present.
399
00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:59,858
Ten million dollars!
400
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:03,028
A million for each second you took
to run the mile today.
401
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,571
Woo! So fast.
402
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,573
[people cheering]
[Pupa sobbing]
403
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:10,786
‐ We should've done this sooner.
404
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,579
I've been searching
for a life‐mate for years
405
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,456
not knowing one was
inside me all along.
406
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:15,958
‐ I'm yours forever, Korvy.
407
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,085
‐ Quick, love, Apple Maps
the nearest chapel.
408
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,046
‐ There's a fast casual Mormon castle
two miles away.
409
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:24,550
‐ Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast
together, as a couple, while we drive.
410
00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:28,136
PODCASTER: Today, we'll be talking
about the sound of brass.
411
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:28,929
Brass tones‐‐
412
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,681
‐ Can we, uh, listen
to something else?
413
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:31,974
‐ Come on, give it a chance.
414
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,309
‐ If this is going to work,
we need to be honest with each other.
415
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,645
And I honestly hate everything
about this podcast.
416
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:39,815
‐ Fine, my sweet.
What do you want to listen to?
417
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:42,442
JOE ROGAN:
See, Ayahuasca might actually be
418
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,319
the tree of life
we've been searching for.
419
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,613
The healing properties
are astronomical.
420
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,907
Free guns don't come free.
You have to lick feet.
421
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,659
‐ This guy sucks!
I don't like this.
422
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,370
‐ What? Joe Rogan is
our generation's Maya Angelou.
423
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,497
‐ Our generation already has
a Maya Angelou.
424
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:56,415
It's Mark Cuban!
425
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,166
‐ Hey, hun?
‐ Yes, darling?
426
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,085
‐ I love you,
but you sound like an asshole
427
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,295
when you say stuff like that.
428
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:03,130
‐ How can I sound like an asshole
when I don't even have one?
429
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,465
Also, what were you fucking me in
earlier in that one scene?
430
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,843
[gasps] Dammit, I'm gooblering!
See what you made me do?
431
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,220
‐ Well, you liked what I made you do
last night, slut!
432
00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,642
‐ This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris?
‐ I'm afraid it isn't.
433
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,521
What have I done? I can't believe
I ruined what I had with Jen.
434
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,940
I'm an idiot.
I al‐‐ I always do this.
435
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,150
‐ Maybe it's not too late.
436
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,610
May‐‐ maybe we can get you back
for the wedding.
437
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,445
‐ We don't have time.
‐ We have plenty of‐‐
438
00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:29,489
Shit! We gotta hurry! I forgot time
always moves forward on this planet.
439
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,449
[tires squealing]
440
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:32,534
[horn blaring]
441
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,952
RED GOOBLER:
You're such a bad driver.
442
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,078
‐ I fucking hate you.
443
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,039
‐ [sighs] Tell me about yourself.
444
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,832
‐ Squeeeeeeee.
445
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:41,084
‐ Wait. Jen?
‐ Reee, reee, squeee.
446
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:41,960
‐ Dammit! You're a rat.
447
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:43,420
‐ Squeeee.
448
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,088
‐ Fuck it! I just have
to make you awesome.
449
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,632
Red Goobler won't even notice
the difference.
450
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,010
‐ Ree. Reeee.
451
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,136
‐ Squee, squee.
452
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,388
‐ That's it,
you guys sound cool as hell!
453
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:56,350
‐ Hey, just want to say again,
454
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,227
congrats on winning everything
one could win
455
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,561
and doing it without cheating.
456
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,064
‐ Ugh, I can't take it anymore!
457
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,482
When are we going
to learn a lesson?
458
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,651
‐ Usually getting away with things
makes me feel good,
459
00:17:05,651 --> 00:17:06,693
but this blows.
460
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,071
Getting into USC as a long snapper
was the last straw.
461
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,449
‐ Usually at this point in our adventures,
we've learned a lesson.
462
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,284
I feel like ants are crawling
on my skin.
463
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,787
Is it cold? Is it hot?
Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!
464
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,205
‐ We're in lesson withdrawal!
465
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,749
We're gonna keep feeling this way
unless we learn some lesson.
466
00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:22,543
‐ But how? What can we do?
467
00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:24,044
‐ Wait! This whole time,
we've been cheating.
468
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,713
But what if cheated
even more than ever before
469
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,675
and used another sci‐fi device
to double down on cheating?
470
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,301
Do we have anything
that teaches a lesson?
471
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,595
‐ Well, we do have
that Lesson‐alyzer helmet,
472
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,014
but, I mean, we don't wanna
use that, do we?
473
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,599
[rumbling]
474
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,267
[bell dings]
475
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,936
Did it work?
Did you learn a lesson?
476
00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:43,063
‐ Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.
477
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,399
I learned "Don't count your chickens
before they hatch."
478
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,192
‐ Oooh!
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
479
00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,903
[bell dings]
Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
480
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,197
‐ What did you get?
‐ "Beer before liquor, never sicker."
481
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,615
‐ Oh, that's a good one.
482
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,450
‐ You want another hit?
‐ Yeah, fuck yeah.
483
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,452
‐ I need your help moving
15 to 20 rat women
484
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:58,662
to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
485
00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:00,664
‐ That's the most Solar Opposites thing
I've ever heard.
486
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,583
[bell dings]
‐ Ohhh yeah.
487
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,002
"The thicker the cushion,
the sweeter the pushin'."
488
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:07,171
I gotta remember that
when I'm at the couch store.
489
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,256
♪ church organ music playing ♪
490
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:12,176
♪
491
00:18:12,176 --> 00:18:14,970
‐ We must never speak about
what happened in that hotel room.
492
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,055
I'm talking about the fucking.
493
00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:19,558
‐ No shit, you idiot.
Why would you bring that up right now?
494
00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:20,642
I'm about to get married.
495
00:18:20,642 --> 00:18:23,395
‐ Sorry, I just hope that you
and Jen stay happily married,
496
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:25,105
keeping us safe
from your repressed rage.
497
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,398
[door opens]
498
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:29,151
♪
499
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:34,281
[squeaking]
500
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:38,619
‐ Multiple brides?
Are we doing a YouTube thing?
501
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:41,205
[crowd gasping, screaming]
Jen! Which one's Jen?
502
00:18:41,205 --> 00:18:43,540
‐ Aw, man, if you don't know,
then I definitely don't.
503
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,210
‐ She's not here!
Who the hell are these brides?
504
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,961
‐ Terry, what the hell?
You‐‐ you didn't find her?
505
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,797
‐ What do you mean "find her"?
What the fuck is going on?
506
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,965
‐ Oh wow, where to begin.
507
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,425
I turned that bitch into a rat.
508
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:54,384
‐ What?
[bell dings]
509
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,887
‐ "Ass, grass, or gas.
Nobody rides for free."
510
00:18:56,887 --> 00:19:00,098
‐ Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags!
You've ruined my life!
511
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,308
‐ You know what,
screw you, Red Chris!
512
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,268
You pillow talk told me
you didn't really love Jen.
513
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,687
‐ Yeah, this wasn't our fault‐‐
Wait, pillow talk?
514
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,356
Did you two doink?
‐ Nothing. Forget it.
515
00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:09,066
We banged. Shut up about it.
[bell dings]
516
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:12,361
‐ The best way to cope
with stress is to confront it.
517
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:15,656
Only then can you truly be happy.
518
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:18,200
Or at least satisfied a little bit.
519
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,410
‐ She's right.
You are my stress, Red Goobler.
520
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,914
I, I should have never gotten caught up
trying to manage you or work with you.
521
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:25,499
I have to set boundaries.
522
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:26,750
By lasering your ass!
523
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,044
‐ Ah!
[crowd screaming]
524
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:32,840
‐ Get fucked!
525
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:35,384
‐ Goddammit, now we're back
where we started.
526
00:19:35,384 --> 00:19:37,261
‐ But we all learned a valuable lesson.
527
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,720
At least you did, about stress,
528
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,389
and I guess the replicants did
about cheating.
529
00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:41,640
I‐I didn't learn anything at all.
530
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,808
‐ Give Terry the lesson helmet
531
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,560
so he can learn a lesson
like the rest of us.
532
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,603
[rumbling]
533
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:47,271
[bell dings]
‐ Whoa,
534
00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:48,814
I just learned that sometimes
535
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:51,275
emotional stories don't fit
into a rigid structure,
536
00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:53,569
and you just have to embrace the chaos
and not worry about it.
537
00:19:53,569 --> 00:19:55,237
‐ As a family.
538
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,949
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
539
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,469
♪
540
00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:22,055
‐ If you feel like you haven't learned
a lesson, please visit
541
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:26,185
www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer.
542
00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:28,937
You get the first lesson for free,
but it's on the honor system after that.
543
00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,397
So you have to send us money.
544
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,608
And if you agree to send the money,
then you've learned a lesson.
545
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:35,444
And if you don't, well, you're a dick
that steals from cartoons.
546
00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:41,491
♪ theme music playing ♪
547
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:45,704
♪
548
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:24,826
[mimicking laser fire]